DESPERATE MEASURES

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now, Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,
You know who

IS THE CHURCH A ZOO?

Image: sanaazoo.com

Some church members are as stubborn as a mule about doing church work,

but as sly as a fox in their own business deals.

Some are as busy as a bee in spreading the latest gossip,

but as quiet as a mouse to spreading the gospel of Christ.

Many are as blind as a bat to see the needs of others,

but have eyes of a hawk to see the faults of a few.

Some are as eager as a beaver about a barbecue,

but as lazy as a dog about the prayer meetings.

Some will roar like a lion when things do not go just to suit them,

but they are as gentle as a lamb when they need the preacher of the church.

Some are as noisy as a blue jay when calling on the church for advice,

but as timid as a kitten about talking to the lost and as slow as a snail about visiting absentees and shut-ins.

Many are night owls on Saturday nights,

but "bed bugs" Sunday mornings,

and as scarce as hen's teeth on Wednesday nights.